The Defiant Child No More!

When DinoBoy's child care centre prep them for P1 last year, he was very excited about it, but at the same time he was unsure about leaving his teachers and friends of 6 years.  He wasn't sure how to handle his emotions and thus he acted out the only way he knows, he became the defiant child.  He became touchy, sensitive, rude, loud and will scream or cry at the tiniest thing, even when the teachers were just asking him calmly and nicely what just happened.  It became so bad that he was kicking chair or pushing table just to show his angry.  It was a difficult year for every one and they were starting to dislike this defiant child.  I've tried every thing to make him stop this undesired behavior but this only last the most a week and things went back to the same again.  

It only became better during November & December 2012.  He put on his best behavior because I asked him, "How do you want your teachers and friends to remember you?  Do you want them to think about you and frown because of your bad behavior or smile and show thumbs up that you are a well behaved child?"  That knocked some sense into him and he reasoned it out with himself that its better to be on the well behaved side.

I have to admit, I doubted my child even though he has shown good behavior, but knowing him like the back of my hand I know he does not takes well to new environment, people and routine.  Despite my efforts in preempting the teachers to know what to expect and how to handle him, he proves to be challenging and difficult. I was fighting a losing battle when I received a call from DinoBoy's form teacher Ms N telling me that after a discussion with other subjects teachers, they feel that DinoBoy has a "problem" (she was afraid to mention the words "anger management" lest I blow my top at her) and will be referring him to the school's counselor.  I was happy to hear that as I would very much like to hear the views from a professional, but alas, it was short lived.  2 weeks later I was told that after observing him on a couple of occasions she feels that he is ok and thus will not take his case. 

In the meantime DinoBoy continue his defiant acts in student care.  And the funny thing is, most of his outbursts seems to be happening in student care centre only.  Ms J; centre principal, Ms L; centre teacher and I were puzzled, we concluded that either its because he was tired after the long hours in school and he needed rest OR the school is not letting me know about any more outbursts he had during class. 

Just to give you an idea how intense he is, here are some of the things he did in his fits of frustration both in class and in student care centre;

  - threw his pencil case on the floor which the form teacher confiscated it promptly as a punishment, only to return back to him the next day.

- sent his bag flying over 3 friends' head, almost hitting one of them on the head, from the front of the class room to the back.

- banged his hand on his classmate's table coz he had wrongly accused him of some thing.

- scrunched up his face and growled at his friends, breathing heavily and angrily.

I am very grateful for Ms J  & Ms L who are ever so patient and understanding, they are willing to work with me to try to control DinoBoy and make him a better person instead of turning their backs on him, on us.  They were more mindful of his actions, quick to pick up cues that shows that he is going to blow up and firm to make him obey them despite the anger.  For his every outburst, Ms J will relate to me the incident, we will discuss about it and try to find out and identify the trigger point then work on the ways to tackle it should it happen again or to prevent it from happening. 

However things took a turn in early March.  This time it is a serious incident... in his fit of anger he pushed his table with such a hard force that it hit the wall with a loud bang.  It would have been a bad accident if there were some one standing in front of him!  We were told by Ms J that his anger is escalating and is starting to be a threat to every one, he MUST not to do such dangerous acts again otherwise he will be asked to leave the centre immediately.

My world came crashing down... At this point I was really feeling very tired, lost and helpless, it felt that everything and every one is out against me, things that I have done and put in so far has turned in vain.  Plus the issues I had with my mum after she moved in with us is adding to it and taking a toil on me.  I had a long talk with DinoBoy in serious tone and manner, telling him the worst consequences IF he were to be kicked out of student care; I have to quit my job to look after him then we will not have money to buy toys/clothes/books for him or go to his favourite restaurants to eat etc etc.  A bit extreme but I really do not know how to put it across in a better way at that time.

I also told him that we will work with him and help him to control his temper and anger but most importantly he must help himself because no one can do anything if he do not take the first step to do so.  I also shared with him that I am having a difficult time with Grandma and I need him to help me by not creating problems in school.  He agreed solemnly, promising me that he will be good, though I want to believe him, deep in my heart I know there is a chance he will not be able to do it, at least not alone.  I will have to work extra hard with the teachers to ensure he does not lose it again.

What I learned from the School Counselor

Even though the school counselor only deals with the students who acted out in the school, DinoBoy was an exceptional case.  I have asked Ms J to help me approach and request her to help us, I was very relieve to know that she has agreed to do so.

Last week I had a fruitful 30mins talk with the school counselor Ms D over the phone after she's seen DinoBoy for 2 sessions.  We were very honest with each other as this is the only way that we can help DinoBoy overcome his problem.  She shared with me the things she and DinoBoy talked about, I was shocked to hear that DinoBoy said that he feel stressed up!  He is stressed up because he is afraid to fail, to make us; the parents, feels and be disappointed with him.  He is mad with himself for failing to control himself and did something naughty or misbehaved which we do not approve of. 

It seems that we have set too high of a standard for him, we expects too much from him and in the course forgets that he is just a child, a 6 year old child.  A child who is suppose to enjoy his childhood and have fun, not feel bonded by the many rules and expectations we have for him.  We have also unknowningly raised a child who thinks he has to be perfect in order to make us love him more.

This is all so wrong!  Our efforts of ensuring we nurture DinoBoy to be a responsible, sensible & independent boy turned out to be a not so good choice after all.  Things definitely have to change for the better of him and the family unless we want to have a depressed 6 year old.

What we did to help DinoBoy

After thinking it through, I seek Ms J's opinion whether it will be a good idea to make small flash cards of the class room rules or any other special instructions she has for DinoBoy so that I can go through with him or she can make him read it when he is in the centre.  The rationale behind this is since DinoBoy seems to shut off his ears when he is feeling excited or frustrated, the teacher can just flash the card with the specific instruction at him.  This visual instruction may help him snap out of his negative or undesired emotions or actions immediately.  We both agree to give it a try, she even gave me a few sites to print the necessary class room rules cards. 

The flashcards worked well, on a few occasions Ms J was able to bring down his anger level before he explodes by showing him the "Take 3 deep breathes" and "Count from 1 to 10" card.  I made a special card showing a green 3 eyes monster and the words "I Need Help!!", this is for him to show the teachers that he is unable to control his temper or emotions and he needs them to help him calm down.

In case you are interested, I get the cute illustrations from MyCuteGraphics and Inspired In Seconds.

The Behavior Rules Flashcards

We started our Project Happy Face on 01 April 2013 which its based on his behavior in school; that means listening to the teachers, do not create trouble and most importantly no more outbursts etc, in another words, no complains from teachers.  At the same time, we removed all privileges from him; no ipad, tv, laptop, mobile phones games, trips to fancy restaurnats, he understands that he last act in the student care was unacceptable and he accepted this "punishment" gracefully.  We agreed that he can have access to those electronic gadgets if he is well behaved during the week.  So far he has been good and he gets excited when its Friday morning, he will tell me "Mummy, if I am good for one more day I get to play the ipad right?", we went to Swenson on both Saturdays as a reward for his hard work.

Happy Face record

I had a chance to chat with Ms L yesterday and she said DinoBoy has been good apart from the usual mischief expected from a 6 year old. See the smiley face with a star on 9th April?  DinoBoy was praised by Ms L for showing forgiveness to his friend. This friend dropped his water bottle onto his toes (shoes & socks are not allowed in student care centre) and instead of screaming and crying out loud then scolding or throwing his anger on the friend which he usually does, he told his friend that it's ok as it was an accident. We were so proud of him that he was allowed to watch tv for that evening.

What we gained from our new routines

During this 2 weeks, we made some changes in our routines too.  Since taxi rides in the morning to school is also considerate a privilege, it was removed too.  So what if I have to wake DinoBoy up 15 - 20mins earlier just to make up for the 10mins walk to school?  He gets to enjoy his breakfast instead of rushing it through, we even went out to the nearby coffee shop on a few mornings for our eggs & toast breakfast!  We enjoy the morning slow walk where we have a relaxed and enjoyable crazy funny conversations.

We also disconnect to connect at night.  The laptop and tv were left alone, instead we read books together or DinoBoy will have a board game of Ducks In a Row or Otello (the only 2 board games we have currently) with DinoPapa or his uncle.  Good bonding moments for every one.

And with the morning train rides to work, I picked up this book which I have been neglecting for the passed months; The 5 Love Languages of Children and finished reading it yesterday.  I have also caught up on reading Mary Sheedy Kucikta, author of Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic, posts on Emotion Coaching.  Both have opened up my eyes to see things differently and to take note of the little cues DinoBoy has been showing it to us. They also made me be sensitive about DinoBoy's needs and showing him that I love him in many ways instead of just telling him.

No more urging him to get out of the bed NOW, brush your teeth NOW, rushing through breakfast, short good-byes, NO MORE MAD MORNING RUSH!  Instead both of us are calmed and relaxed, If DinoBoy finishes his breakfast fast he is able to catch some shut eye while waiting for me to get ready.  I will always remember to give him hugs & kisses, filling his emotions and love tanks plus saying "Have fun in school!" before sending him off into the school.  Best of all, NO MORE DEFIANT CHILD!

For the first time since last year, I am finally relieved and happy.  Of course there are still some areas that I still have to work with DinoBoy but with the biggest issue resolved, he is more receptive on the things we want him to change. 

I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and its not the MRT headlights!

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