I just needed a good cry

On 18 November 2013 we lost our dear Mum to colon cancer.  She passed away peacefully in her sleep.  We were caught off guard and unprepared.  I remember how cool & calm I was when I received the news from brother on the phone that morning in the kitchen.  After I hung up the phone, I went into the house to break the news to DinoPapa and I walked back into the kitchen to finish my cup of coffee.  Instead I was pacing around the kitchen in circles, shivering, while all my emotions rushed up into my head.  The funeral was a blur because I choose not to remember every details.

After the funeral I went into hibernation, into hiding because I didn't know what to do or to feel.  Suddenly I lost my sense of direction and purpose of moving forward.  I couldn't find the drive to do anything, I would start some craft or home improvement projects only to ditch them a day or even hours later.  I would have something in my mind and felt the urge to pen it down on my blog but when I sit in front of the computer I would typed out a few sentences only to erase them away many times.  Minutes passed, I will be staring at a blank page with a blank mind and the enthusiasm eventually died down, I have to shut down my computer and nothing was done.

Most of the time I felt like a trapped animal, restless and pacing in my cage, there was something wrong with me but I just did not want to face it.  I wasn't ready to face it.  I kept mostly to myself and only talked to a handful of friends.  A month after the funeral I was chatting with this friend, I told him that I have no mood to do anything or write my blog posts.   His advice was to write it down, tell the world and then move on (or something along that line).

2 weeks ago my silly Samsung III was sent to the service centre because it got stuck while doing software update, I was unable to do any backup on my stuffs in the phone thus every thing was erased.  And it erased Mum's mobile phone number, my last connection with Mum.

So, here I am, writing it down, telling the world and hopefully it will set me free.

Photo Credit

Mum stayed with me for a week before she was diagnosed with colon cancer and moved into brother's house.  She will sometimes come over to stay at my place during some weekends.  I get all excited when she comes over, I wanted to cook the most delicious dishes for her to eat even though she could only stomach 2 spoonfuls of rice, some soup and a little bit of the other dishes.  It was heartbreaking for me to see her like this.  I lost my passion to cook after she was gone.  Every cookbook I flipped, every dish I wanted to prepare, even the pots and pans reminded me of her.  Yes, it was THAT bad.

First it was the lost of appetite, then it was the pain she has to endure as her stomach try to digest the food she ate and the bloated feelings she gets after that.  Later it was the obvious weight loss and hair loss.  After that she had difficulty in remembering things.  That's when I lost my patient with her as she kept asking or repeating certain things at me.  And I am so angry with myself after each incident, I smacked myself hard and told myself to stop doing it but couldn't.  Till now I am still so mad at myself for that but I can't show her more compassion and understanding any more.

Mum was a no-quitter and a fighter but I guess the cancer was too much for her to bear.  There were times when she sees me, she will say to me "Daughter, Mummy wants to die but can't."  I felt someone stabbed my heart with a knife and turned the knife 360deg, the pain was indescribable.  I almost burst out in tears but I controlled myself, giving encouraging words to her instead.

When I told people that Mum passed away in her sleep, almost every one will comment that it's the best way to go, that luckily she did not suffer, that she did not have to go through any agony to finally find peace and rest in peace.  I agree with them too but I know Mum has not found her peace yet and I truly hope that she will in near future. 

I will never forget the moment when brother cried uncontrollably after Mum's coffin was pushed into the fire.  To me he was the pillar of the family and it shocked me to see him break down like that.  Everyone saw Mum suffer from the chemo's side effects but I think it affected my brother twice as much.

I moped through the months aimlessly.  My month plus sickness gave me the excuse to feel and show the world that I am miserable.  There were times I felt that I am ok, I declared to the world that I am ok and made believe that I AM OK when I am not.  When I finally recovered from my sickness I thought its time I start picking myself up, I did... little pieces at a time but I was falling back faster then I was at picking up.  The day I lost the only connection with Mum was the day I woke up.  It's time I step out of it.

The truth is, you never really get over the lost of loved ones.  Not months, years or decades later.  You may come to terms with it or you may not, either way deep inside your heart still aches and pains with the memory of them.  Dad was gone for 9 years and I am still mourning for him.  And with Mum gone too I know I have to do something about it.

I have to come to terms with myself on my losses.

I just needed a good cry to move forward.